Submarine Movies are Fucking Bullshit

Okay, I gather at this point you’ve probably come to the realization that I like learning about and discussing warfare. I know it can be incredibly depressing and dark because, after all, war involves lots and lots of death and suffering in increasingly horrible ways. It’s easy to read about things that happened a thousand, a hundred, or even ten years ago and disassociate that these events actually happened to real people. I would just like to state, for the record, that I understand real people suffered real consequences in the events that I discuss. Cool? Cool.

Phew! Now that that’s out of the way we can get onto the super serious topic of discussion: why submarines depicted in movies are a bunch of horse-shit!

Except for this goddamn gem, of course.

I’m always learning

Like lots of people, movies and television shows played a big part of my childhood (shout out Mum and Dad) and therefore affected the way my brain works. I would see things on a screen (specifically historical stuff) and just assumed that’s how it really went down. William Wallace wearing a kilt in Braveheart? Not even close. 300 Spartans fighting off an enormous Persian army? Try closer to 7000. The talking tree in Pocahontas? Surely that’s real!

Lying bitch.

It wasn’t until I was researching random history shit to write about that I stumbled across a fact that made my brain hurt. I felt betrayed. Movies, the constant provider of happiness for my entire life, had led me completely astray.

If I were to ask you how many times a submarine had sunk another submarine, what would you say? Wait, let me be more specific: how many times has a submerged (underwater) submarine sank another submerged (still means underwater) submarine with a torpedo? If pop culture has told me anything it’s that it happened all the time during the First and Second World Wars. We can all picture the scene, right? Some sonar guy detects an enemy sub, there are some tense moments, they fire off some torpedos, bad guy go boom.

But I was wrong. So wrong.

What else has The Simpsons lied about?

It’s happened a grand total of once. One fucking time in the history of warfare! Can you believe that?

The solitary sinking occurred in February 1945 off the coast of Norway. A British submarine, HMS Venturer tracked and sank the German submarine, U-864. I’m going to go into some details about the engagement but before I do we’re going to look at some movie depictions of sub vs. sub combat.

Web of lies!

Okay, first thing’s first, I’m going to come out and admit that the movie most responsible for my belief about submarines was U-571 (2000) starring Matthew McConaughey. Now listen, I understand that movies take creative liberties to make things more exciting for the audience blah blah blah that’s fine but I’m here to rip that apart because it’s fun.

A very, very brief summary for those who haven’t seen U-571: American submariners end up controlling a German U-boat because they’re trying to get a secret coding machine. Shenanigans ensue. Got it? No? Then go watch it. It’s…fine. But if you don’t want to waste 116 minutes of your life then just watch the scene below.

Let’s look past the fact that McConaughey and his ragtag group have been on U-571, a German ship covered in German writing, for all of about 15 minutes yet are still able to maneuver and fight without much delay. Let’s also forget that the U-571 is damaged. Let’s also let slide that U-boats had a crew of around fifty and there are maybe sixteen Americans onboard. We’re letting a lot slide because this article isn’t title “Why U-571 is a Garbage Movie”.

The sonar operator (the fella in the headphones) tells McConaughey the “best” bearing to the enemy U-boat and they fire four torpedos. The last torpedo hits and a bunch of damn Nazis get blown up! Yeah! America!

They just make it look so damn easy.

There are a number of other movie examples of World War II submarines destroying each other while underwater. They include but aren’t limited to the aggressively mediocre In Enemy Hands (2004) and the horrible Ghostboat (2006). The title of that last one should tell you all you need to know about it. Regardless, each of these have scenes very similar to U-571 with underwater engagements happening in moments and characters making split-second decisions before destroying the bad guy with a well-placed torpedo.

Also, I know I said I wouldn’t trash talk The Hunt for Red October (1990) because I love that goddamn movie…but there a couple examples of submarines destroying other submarines while underwater.

Not to mention Sean Connery destroying a Russian accent.

Yes, all you smart-asses out there, I understand that modern torpedoes have the ability to hone onto and track targets so shut up. The point I’m making is that movies made me believe that submarines were blowing each other up all the time. As it turns out, movies (and The Simpsons) were just plain wrong.

How it really happens

Let me begin by saying that the primary purpose of submarines, particularly in the First and Second World War, was to sink cargo and merchant ships. Getting supplies and soldiers safely from one place to another is just as (if not more) important than the actual fighting. Destroying these things can have a huge ripple affect on the outcomes of future battles. Don’t get me wrong, submarines would also target enemy warships (particularly those guarding convoys) but those ships have big guns and tend to shoot back.

“D-14, I sink your submarine.”

Also, despite the name, submarines spent the majority of their time on the surface of the water. While underwater, subs relied on batteries to power their engines which significantly reduced their speeds. Most could also only stay under for about twelve hours before needing to surface for fresh air. Therefore, submarines would only submerge once they had taken position ahead of a target or convoy. Subs would wait for darkness before surfacing to fire their torpedoes and then dive away to escape. This was a common tactic for both Axis and Allied submarines.

Side note: if I’m going to trash submarine movies I feel it’s my responsibility to also recommend one. If you haven’t seen Greyhound (2020) then it’s a good introduction for how U-boats and convoys performed in World War II. Is it perfect? No. But it’s fairly accurate and Tom Hanks is in it. Watch it now, exclusively on Apple+.

Now, back to the single time in all of human history where a submarine sank another submarine. On February 9, 1945 the hydrophone operator (they listen to sounds underwater) on the British submarine HMS Venturer heard something strange off the coast of southern Norway. The captain, Jimmy Launders, decided to track the sound which turned out to be the diesel engine of the German submarine, U-864. While at periscope depth, Venturer saw what appeared to be U-864’s periscope but it was likely its snorkel. The snorkel was a new device that brought in fresh air while allowing the submarine to remain underwater.

Just like these two idiots.

Venturer tracked U-864 for several hours before determining that the sub probably wasn’t going to surface. Launders was getting anxious because his submarine wasn’t equipped with a snorkel and therefore needed to surface to bring in fresh air and recharge its batteries. He decided to try to sink the enemy sub while submerged.

This had never been attempted before because determining an accurate firing solution required math. Like, complicated math. Four dimensions of math. The four dimensions being: the time it takes a torpedo to reach the target, the distance to the target, the direction of the target (also known as “bearing”) and how deep underwater the target is.

“Anyone have a calculator?”

And to make things even more complicated, U-864 started zig-zagging because it had likely detected that it was being followed. This was going to be a nearly impossible shot, particularly because they weren’t sure how deep U-864 was, but the nerds aboard Venturer made their best guess. When they were set Launders ordered all four bow (front of the submarine) torpedoes fired. Two pairs of torpedoes were fired with 17.5 seconds in between and were also set at different depths. The German sub managed to evade the first three but the fourth hit home and U-864 was destroyed. And thus ends the only naval engagement to take place entirely underwater.

Sinking U-864 was a long, complicated journey that took hours to accomplish and even then luck was certainly involved. Movies show submarines blowing each other every few minutes and then treat it like another day at the office which is bullshit. Now have fun ruining any submarine movies you watch with your friends.